All I know is that I know nothing.

As the year comes to an end, I’ve had a revelation. I know it sound cliche but I really did. Maybe I just needed time to think after a hectic (and somewhat dramatic) semester. 

There’s 20 minutes left until we enter 2012 and I’m thinking about everything that New Years used to represent for me. When I was young, my family spent every New Years together. We used to reunite at my grandmother’s house and everyone seemed so happy. Everything seemed so perfect. 

With her death, my family fell apart. It’s been 10 years since i’ve celebrated a Thanksgiving, Christmas or New Year. I’m usually spending it by myself so it’s no surprise that I’m here at Skidmore spending it by myself just wishing to be in the middle of times square waiting for the ball to drop. 

16 minutes to go and I’m thinking about the resolutions I have for this year and I can only think of the same one I’ve had for years. To love. Not relationship love but just to love everyone and everything. To try to be a better person everyday, to smile as much as possible, to live, but most importantly to construct a family. 

I don’t mean to have babies but I’ve been here at Skidmore for four years and I’ve met so many people. Relationships have developed and changed but I always thought I had a family here. Maybe that was just wishful thinking — feeling like I need to be loved. 

10 minute away from the New Year … I don’t know how to phrase everything that’s going on in my head - i’ve never been the type to really express myself but I guess this is the bottom line - 

I’ve been pushing away the ones that truly love me and holding on to the ones i wished would love me. I’ve realized that by staying here, I’ve been pushing away my family even though they truly love me; i’ve been pushing away my real friends for someone that could careless about me and most importantly, i’ve been loving everyone else except myself. 

i don’t love myself, well not as much as i should be. That’s why for this new year i hope to develop my relationship with myself, develop my relationship with my family, be healthy and be happy. 

… and with 6 minutes left, happy new years everyone. 

greatnesslieswithin:

I peeked
at the future
and found two aged lovers,
still intoxicated
by a powerful affection,
smiling widely at each other.

They weren’t
us.

fuck you.

So fucking annoyed. 

I was doing so well - honestly, I had not been thinking about you AT All! Maybe a little on Christmas since you didn’t even care enough to say Merry Christmas and of course, I’m not chasing you anymore. But you’re not forced to say anything and I didn’t pay much mind to it.

But you’re really going to text someone else to ask about me and tell them that I hate you and don’t want to talk to you? First off, I never said that. Now you’re just assuming and I’m guessing that’s coming from a guilty conscience. But I guess you’re somewhat right. We are where we are because of you. choosing pussy over friendship.

But regardless, i have a phone, you have my number, you could’ve just texted me in the first place. 

whatever. that’s all i can say. 

i’m so over you. i’m over our friendship. fuck you. 

today …

I constantly have thoughts running through my mind. Usually about one thing. HIM. But when it comes to writing things down or expressing them, I have no words. There are so many things I want to tell him, so many emotions to express but I know it’s a waste of time. He doesn’t care about what I feel. So I prefer to just keep everything bottled up and let time work its magic.

“I wish I were more thoughtful, I wish I would’ve left you something” were the words he told me earlier today. But I know he doesn’t mean it, he just says it because he thinks that makes me feel better. 

I hate how much I’ve changed because of him. I’ve pushed away everyone - constantly in isolation - because of the one person that could care less if i’m alright or not. 

STUPID ME. 

I’m truly sorry.